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The “No One Needs an AR-15” Veteran

Raising Awareness

The word “hero” gets thrown around a lot in 2020.

And really — why wouldn’t it? We need all the heroes we can get, right? We live in a techno-dystopian Clown World. One where millions and millions of average people spend their lives pushing the boulder up the hill of a timeline of content that’s increasingly meaningless but all very, very important.

And no one these days likes to simply take content. To consume information. These are bad things. Taking information is for the type of people checking for upward changes in their stock prices. It’s for capitalists. For consoomers. Not for the brain-trust of smug leftists patrolling the Timeline. Like good leftists, they don’t take, they share.

Sharing content is for good people. For sensible progressives who are changing the world (that’s you!). Taking content, on the other hand, consuming ideas…it’s, well, it’s for the enemy. It’s a sloppy anachronism; a faux pas. Something a white male homeowner would do to a newspaper in his den on a lazy Sunday morning.

“Take.” Blech. We don’t do that. Instead, we’re spreading awareness. Sharing important views. Elevating voices. We’re the good guys. We retweet. We share. Hell, play your cards right, and we might even make it go viral. We’re Using Our Platform for good. Because after all — we’re the good ones.

We Need a Hero

But there’s a catch. In order to Raise Awareness, we must first find a Post Worth Sharing. And for a post to be worth sharing, there needs to be a villain and a hero. Even though we’re secretly going to use that “share” button like the plunger of a San Francisco syringe, pumping that hit of likes and follows into the attention-starved veins between our toes, we want to be clear before we brown out on Dopamine for the next 20 minutes: this isn’t about us, it’s about the heroes. The heroes that we (the good guys) are telling you (a normie!) about.

You know, the heroes.

The nurses. The grocery store clerks. The truck drivers. The drag queens bravely continuing to sell pictures of their assholes in these trying times. The welders. The looters. The fat girls. The substitute teachers. The decolonizers.

The demand for heroes has been so high that the supply line has had difficulty keeping up.

But the market provides! On-trend and schedule, a new hero has emerged. I’m talking about a very brave and very special Bugman. An unlikely friend for the blue team. An increasingly ubiquitous presence in the comments section! Your beta friend who, yeah, technically, can change his own oil, but never quite fit in with The Guys. Uncle Sam’s red-headed step-child. That’s right — I’m talking about the veteran who doesn’t believe in gun rights. The new hero of the progressive left. The “No One Needs an AR-15” veteran.

I’m Not like Other Veterans. I’m a Cool Veteran.

Here’s a sample of the guys I’m talking about. I’ve blurred out the identifiers to avoid getting banned from Twitter for targeted harassment. But be sure to still report my account, please.

Veterans Benefits

Being a veteran has no bearing on the rights of others. Your status as someone who was in the military has absolutely dick to do with whether someone “should” be able to buy an AR-15, or whether civilians “need” them. You are not special. You are not unique. Your opinion does not carry more weight than anyone else’s.

Being paid to carry a gun in the service does not make you a moral authority on guns themselves. You are not More American than the next person. At best, you are perpetuating an appeal to authority fallacy by making the “as a veteran” argument. At worst, you’re advocating for systems of control that you either don’t understand or have foolishly mischaracterized as being “good”.

Carrying a gun for Uncle Sam doesn’t give you a meaningful opinion about the sociopolitical ramifications of private gun ownership any more than being a cashier at the bank gives you a meaningful opinion on the socioeconomic ramifications of the Federal Reserve’s quantitative easing policies.

And, if you can spend any length of time in a third world shithole that’s plagued with death, famine, corruption, and misery, and then decide that your countrymen at home should not have the practical option to protect their households from violent physical manifestations of nation-state policies, of theocratic or sectarian interests, or theft of scarce resources, by keeping modern, military-style weapons in their homes, well…I don’t know, man. I guess we weren’t fighting the same war.

And that’s the other thing.

Shut The Fuck Up, POG.

A lot of you guys are just fucking POG’s, veterans who have never been OCONUS, or who never saw combat. Sorry Boomer, but spending 6 months fucking off in a guard shack at Checkpoint Charlie in the late 1980’s did not give you any special powers to determine what people “need” to own or “should” have access to in terms of firearms in 2020.

And I’m not making this point just to shit on POG’s, so don’t get bent out of shape. There’s nothing wrong with most of you GWOT POG’s. A lot of you have seen some combat and chewed the same dirt as the infantry. The point is to highlight how ridiculous it is for someone who’s never seen combat to make an argument from authority as a veteran.

So to those “No One Needs an AR-15” veterans trying to flex your veteran status even though you never even fired your weapon in combat, I want you to remember something very important.

Lean in close so you don’t miss this.

Ready? Here it is.

No one gives a fuck.

Stop talking about it. Quit. No one gives a fuck about the guy who almost got the girl, the guy who almost made the tackle, the guy who almost closed the sale, the guy who almost won the race, and people especially don’t give a fuck about the guy who joined the military, flew all the way to a foreign country during a multi-decade, multi-national armed conflict, and never fired his rifle.

Unless you’ve dropped a hammer on someone, you have no credibility trading on your veteran status to begin with. If you never found the chance or the fortitude to consummate the love triangle between you, your enemy, and your rifle (and done the philosophical homework that comes after) then you have the same level of insight into the subject as anyone else who has read about it and thought about it but never done it: dick.

And even if you have used your rifle in combat, it still doesn’t give you any special ability to decide with what your fellow humans should or should not be able to defend themselves and their homes with. The “No One Needs an AR-15” veteran is in an indefensible position.

Think It Through, Killer

To say that rifles comparable to the M16 are “only for the battlefield” is in so many words to say that these rifles should only be used against poor people, far away from America’s borders. When considered in the context of the last 70 years or so, “meant for the battlefield” is a loose synonym for “meant to be used in offensive operations against destitute foreigners”.

The use of M4-pattern rifles against poor, undertrained local nationals in third-world proxy wars against non-Western ideologies is arguably the worst possible use for such weapons.

Is your position as the “No One Needs an AR-15” veteran really that, “Only the federal government should have the equipment necessary to wage effective kinetic warfare against the underclass, both globally and domestically”?

Yeah? Cool take, bro. But fuck off.

The “No One Needs an AR-15” veteran is simply an authoritarian Bugman disguised as a nice-guy Democrat. He should be purged from the timeline. Ignore the grift and move along.

Lee Enphield

Lee writes about 3D printing, guns, politics, and opinion. E-mail at

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Well said.

I’ve always found it to be quite comedic when people think that simply because they served, this somehow elevates their opinion on firearms above and beyond that of the lowly civilian peons. I often view these people who took an oath to defend the Constitution as absolute frauds; who probably barely scraped by in high school, and thought to themselves, “the military is the only ‘job’ i’m going to be able to get after I graduate,” using it purely as an out. Thereafter using that ‘status’ is the most laughable joke the world has ever known, especially so when I would wager any amount of money that they were one of the individuals who had their DS shooting alongside them so every private would qualify.

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