Opinion & EditorialPolitics

Dear Losers: Please Stay Home on July 4th

This year I’d love to have a nice, normal July 4th. And yes — normal means simply enjoying some time with family and friends, shooting off some fireworks, eating some good food, and not getting all worked up over whether I’m being antiracist enough or thinking enough about how to queer up traditional cishet spaces or concerning myself with whether there’s too much climate coming out of the sun or whatever.

Stop posting your gay articles about how people should be eating carrot-based hot dogs or about how grilling sucks. Nobody cares, plus you’re wrong. Just eat a burger like a normal human being and chill out. Or don’t — I assure you no one cares or will notice. You aren’t a backyard version of Che Guevarra (Che wasn’t low-t).

Crime is up, guns aren’t the problem, journalists are your enemies, doctors are shills. If you disagree with this, you’re stupid. (Sorry you had to find out this way!)

I don’t care that it’s awkward for fat girls to eat burgers in public. That’s not a real problem.

No, I don’t want to hear about the black national anthem. No, I don’t want to read your Take about how the dudes who signed The Thing a few hundred years ago said the n-word or whatever and now you’re mad about it. Yeah — I get it — slavery and whatnot, yada yada.

No, I don’t care that smelling smoke from a backyard grill is some type of life-altering trauma to whatever vegan white woman left her window open down the street.

I don’t care about your PTSD from Iraq, I’m still gonna set these fireworks off. Buy some earplugs, dude. And no, your dog’s anxiety problems won’t get you out of this one.

Also, there won’t be any social distancing at our party. Why? The delta variant is fake, the vaccine is fake, the pandemic is fake. We’re tired of you bringing it up. “You can’t say that!” It’s my website; get fucked.

The “harmful extremist content” Facebook warned you about wasn’t actually extreme or harmful, and even if it were, no one is actually going to act on it (they would have by now).

January 6th wasn’t an insurrection, abortion is bad, John Oliver isn’t funny, and there are only two genders. The truth hurts? Boo Hoo.

What to do? Well, instead of making some cringe little performative scene to your tiny clique of loser friends, just stay home today, and also don’t post on twitter dot com today. You aren’t that smart, you aren’t a hero, you aren’t Doing Your Part, you aren’t interesting. Take the day off.

In fact, I’ve got some terrible news for you: America is pretty good overall — especially when you get out of the cities. We all know it, and it’s fine for one day to just enjoy a backyard or watch some fireworks or whatever. July 4th is a cool holiday, and the least you could do is not act like a boring, ugly cliché about it.

PS: For the seething retards upset by this — yes, this is actually how We all feel about these things. We just usually don’t speak up when you’re around because we look down on you and don’t want to make it awkward.

Lee Enphield

Lee writes about 3D printing, guns, politics, and opinion. E-mail at [email protected]

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